Just Kiss and Say Goodbye

Its never easy to say goodbye. Never. Few months back, goodbye seems to be the hardest word for me. I hate saying goodbye to him whenever he sent me home... coz I'll never know when I'll be able to say Hie to him again. I was so afraid.. till I sometimes cry when we'll have to bid goodbye on the phone. 

I had a really longgggggggg day today. My eyes are hurting now :( I'm tired of all these. I'm tired of feeling oh-so-pathetic. I had enough! Mentally tortured. Emotionally abused :S Why am I acting this way? Yoongsze oh Yoongsze, I thought you're fine and alright? Pfffttttt! ><

Do you still love him? NOOOOOOO

Do you still have a wee bit of feelings towards him? NO

Then why the heck did you cried?! Ι DONT KNOW! :(

Fine. I know. I was disappointed. Things that I just found out today... It was heartbreaking. Really heartbreaking. Its confirmed. The nightmare returns :( How can someone who knows you so well will have the heart to hurt you so deep? Coz they dont give a damn bout you anymore.. Rite? 

No, I'm not angry with you. No, I dont hate you. I'm just really really disappointed... Couldn't believe that you're putting me through the same thing again.. You knew how I went through it.. You knew how hard it was for me.. You knew! You knew all these things and you're making me going through the same crap again. T____________________________T 

Le sigh. If and only if tears can wash off memories.. I think I'll be suffering from LONG term memory loss now! HAHAHAHAH :P I'm pretty emotional tdy. I might be dehydrated. Lol

It was like the heavy downpour outside my window.. The only difference was there was a rainbow outside.. but I'm still searching for mine from the inside. Rainbows always appear after the rain. The best will always come after the worst. I'm waiting for the best since I'm going through the worst now :P

...and I thought I was okay. I've never been SO emo for a couple of weeks! I was so proud with my progression and those stupid facts just have to ruin it for me rite? Yer! :( I've gotta learn how to handle powerful facts :)

Blogging does wonders. I'm not seeking for attention by blogging things out! Its just that I'll always feeling better after pouring everything out :) Yes, I still do talk about you to others.. not because I'm still a sick cow waiting for you to come back BUT I find it better to talk to others bout you. Its my way to let it go. 

Smile, baby, smile :')

Trials

Two subjects DOWN! Weeee! :D

Two more papers to go and I'm done for the week. 

Ahhhh, I need some good night sleep and proper rest :)

One more thing, I MUST control my sugar intake :\

I've been taking in too much sweets just to make myself stay awake. Way toooooooo much :O

Love! :)

Thoughts

I've been thinking alot lately. Been through a couple of rough weeks and yeah..
..only to realized that it was only my stubborn-ness which was holding me back.
I didnt know why am I so stubborn to let go and accept that freaking fact till.. I finally know who am I. Yoongsze will always be Yoongsze, that naive girl who trusted every single thing that you've said, that silly one who gave all out just to make sure this wouldnt happen, that ignorant girl who was blinded by everything.

Its so hard to wake up everyday and realize that, hey, I'm alone and try to make myself as busy as I can the whole day just to make sure that I'm tired enough to fall asleep at night. It ridiculously tough to fall asleep without hearing a single thing from you everyday. The fact that we're no longer in each other's life is such a pain in the ass. Its scary how much we've changed, and we're like perfect strangers now. Its even scarier to think of how intertwined our lives used to be, but they're now unzipped and uncoded left with two strands of unfamiliar unrelated lives.

From the very beginning, we knew that we're from both very different world. Its like you're from the North pole and I'm from the South. Both are cold places BUT never meant to join up to be a single place. Somehow, accidents do happen, dont they? :) We met each other at the junction of our road. Walked along the same road together and only to realized that its branching at the end. People says, opposite attracts. Maybe that explains why.


The only thing holding me back is the memories. I've lost you. Not them. Six months together, it may mean nothing to you, not to me. Those memories are so fresh in my mind.. Our first date. Our first movie. Our first picture together. Our first month anniversary celebration. Our first christmas. Our first new year. Our first Valentines and the list goes on and on. At the end of the day, it doesnt matter how long we've been together, its the feelings that kills. Remember our first lil heart to heart confession? How we used to countdown for the day to be officially together? How much we anticipate to meet each other everyday by counting down every second? And I thought I've found my Mr Right. Silly.


Living in my own fairytale totally blinds me off from everything. I'm so ignorant to the surroundings.. even you, I've neglected. When things started to turn ugly, when you gave up on us, when we're no longer US, I'm still holding on.. with the hope that things will be fine eventually. No, I'm not shy of our break up! I didnt want a break up. Period.

When reality creeps in, there's nothing I can do but to accept what done is done. Thats the worst. Words from your friends... which makes me doubt everything between us to the extend that I believe all this while I was living in a lie. How much more can you hide from me? Lies after lies to cover up your previous lies. It left me wondering, who was I with all this while? Blanks. Question marks. People asked, " What happened?" I've got a tough time to answer. No, its not like I'm not aware of what had happened.. its that.. I dont know how to put them in words. You left me speechless. You told others we're off since 5 months ago? I went o.O?? It just made me wonder, why the fuck did you came back after you left and said you want to be more than friends?! A few weeks later, you left AGAIN. Thanks for playing with my feelings. Appreciate much.

I've been thinking whether to blog this out or not. I need a place to express myself. So.. yeah :)
Last month was hell. I've lost my appetite. Insomniac. All I left was a body without a soul. In the beginning, I tried putting on a mask. I pretended that I was really fine. But when I was alone, tears washed my face. Tears rolled down involuntarily.. I've even skipped class and tests. *guilty* Nevertheless, I'm still in the state of denial that he's that bad. Talk about silly :\ Cy and Teng once asked me, " Why am I not angry?" Hmmm... Should I? D: Alright, no. Let bygones be bygones.


Thank God for a supportive family and a bunch of awesome friends around me :D Thanks for tolerating with my whines, rants and emo-ness throughout this period of time. I'm alright now! *winks* Though I still cried while writing this and a lil down at times.. But I'll be fine :) Finals and uni applications is enough to drive me nuts. Pfffftttt! ><


Lesson learnt. Crushes shall always remain as crushes. Not anything more than that ;)
Memories. Thanks for everything :) Honestly, I was really happy for that six months.


My mummy once asked, "In a relationship, you would prefer to be the one being hurt or the one hurting the other?" Guess what I've answered :P

;)